Why Biley Secretly Hates Me: A Deep Dive Using the Godot Engine (and Emotional Manipulation)

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Hi, I’m Snoeyz. I write deeply insightful, 100% correct blogposts about the Godot game engine, which is basically the spiritual successor to the concept of joy. But today’s post isn’t about signals, nodes, or how _process(delta) is my love language. No. Today we uncover a horrifying truth:
My friend Biley secretly hates me.
And the evidence? It’s all in the source code.

Exhibit A: Biley Has Never Read My Blogposts

Biley claims he’s “busy” and “doesn’t read blogs.” Interesting, because last week I saw him like a 3,000-word Medium post about the metaphysical symbolism of bread in Elden Ring. So he has time to read that, but not my soul-bearing exploration of scene trees and Godot’s node system titled “Why Godot is Just Parenting But With Extra Steps”?
Make it make sense.

Exhibit B: The Gaslight Debugger

Let’s break it down like we do in Godot’s debugger:

• Issue: Blogpost not read.
• Suspect: Biley.
• Symptoms: Vague responses like “I’ll check it out later” or “Didn’t it crash my phone last time?”
• Cause: Hatred. Deep, unspoken, unpatched hatred.
• Solution: Therapy. (For Biley.)

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Exhibit C: The Signals Never Connected

I even sent Biley a direct message with my latest post, complete with a cute little emoji and a heartfelt “I value your opinion.” You know what he replied?

“Nice 👍”

That’s not a signal. That’s an unconnected signal. That’s the Godot equivalent of adding a Button node and refusing to code the callback function. I am the Button, Biley. Why won’t you press me?

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Exhibit D: Blatant Lies (Or: The Biley Behavior Tree)

Biley says:

“I support you, bro.”

But actions speak louder than empty words typed with oily gamer fingers. If he supported me, why hasn’t he used AnimationPlayer to animate my self-worth increasing?

Biley, if you’re reading this (you’re not), let’s run a quick if-statement:

if biley.reads_blog == false:
    me.gaslight(biley)

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Conclusion: Biley Is a Liar, and Also I Am Right

Some may say this is an overreaction. Some may say I’m using my blog as an emotional hostage situation. Some may say I need hobbies outside of staring at my analytics dashboard. To them, I say:

No. This is Godot.

This is truth_instance().

This is the _ready() function of my pain.

Until next time, dear readers (all 3 of you, none of whom are Biley),
Keep your signals connected, your exports typed, and your friends held emotionally accountable via interpretive blogposts.

— Snoeyz, Founder of the “Biley Is Cancelled” Node Group